L o v e l y

since I could hold your hand. It's been a while since I said sorry.
































Sorry.

I've been asking many people about what I should do about Darryl. And I've come to the conclusion that I can't do this to myself anymore. I get so distracted, depressed, and miserable. I thought that I would rather be with him and be miserable than to be without him and be so upset. But this isn't how I want to be in a relationship. Granted, what me and Darryl were was no relationship, it's something that I no longer want.

So I'm blocking him for a while until I get my act together. If he wants to truly be with me and stop lying to himself and me, then great. If not, then oka. I will learn to live with that. This is not the first time that I've gotten my heart broken over a guy. And it won't be the last. I'm just going to have to learn to appreciate myself again and stop doubting me so much.

The only way I'll go back to talking to him is if he's changed. And it's probably not likely since he said he doesn't care to change. And it further confirms all my fears about someone not caring about me enough. But you know what...whatever. If it's not meant to be, then dammit, it's not meant to be. I'll unblock him maybe after my Decades project is done. Until then, I'm going to try to be through with im. No IM'ing. No chatting. Emails only if he emails me first.

I'm trying to be done with him. And this is the first step of many...

I don't understand why I end up saying things out of anger. Because that's when I hurt myself the most because of what others say.

Yes, those things that were said by me was kinda jackassical but did I really have to call him on that? Probably so because as Amanda put it, I would've "suffered in silence". Jeez.

I think I'm overreacting and it's all due to a little thing called PMS.

that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Today is Christmas Eve. But it doesn't feel like it at all. Maybe it's because I'm upset at the moment. I want some of the commercialism of Christmas in my house. We have nothing. We didn't put our Christmas tree up...not one light is lit. We didn't read the bible on Jesus' birth. Instead on the eve of Christmas, I spent it with my neighbor and good friend, Stevie Lucas.

She and her family had friends over. They had dinner together...well partially. Stevie and I in the living room while her family and their friends were on the back porch. I felt so out of place. Like a yellow crayon in a sea of blue markers. But I went through it. And we went to church. I must promise myself that I will never become Lutheran. I hated the ceremony. I really did. But maybe it was because I was used to my church and the way we did things. Like putting on Christmas plays. And singing songs with your whole heart...not like you're singing christmas carols in case God will strike you down or something.

And I come home from spending a marvelous night with the Lucas' to find my house how it was before I departed. My brother had been home for three hours. He could've put up the clothes I had folded before I left. My sister stayed in bed all afternoon, not picking anything up off the floor. She's on the phone still with her girlfriend. My mom was cooking and had on a bandanna. God she looked like a freaking slave and I felt like crying. How do I go from being dressed up and having lasanga and the bread thingy with gualamote in it with the bread crumbs and chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream to come home with lasagna in a tin pan waiting for me?

I want so much to just embrace my family. And I know I should. But I get too angry. I can't accept the fact that we aren't traditional. And that makes me a fool. We don't sit down to eat dinner...we don't ride together to school ( my brother rides with adel and my sis and i ride the bus to school on days we don't miss it), we don't watch tv together or have a movie night. We have no togetherness. And I loathe that. The only person I can turn to in my family is my sister, Lannie. And that's only sometimes. That's how bad it is with the togetherness thing. I just wish we could just be together. When I was telling my therapist my sappy Christmas vision, I almost cried. We never just sit down together and just be a family. Because if we do, someone says something and another is offended. Or we break off in groups and someone's bound to feel left out. And even when we're together, it doesn't feel like a family.

I wanted my last childhood holiday to be something spectacular. Something I can base all my future holidays on. You know, when I have my own family. And I'm afraid that I will just be a product of now. No traditions, no bonds, no anything. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and we're there for each other when it really counts. I just wish for more. And wishing for more is sometimes dangerous, I know.

I'm switching from the subject of family to Darryl. This has also gotten me upset. This was suppose to be me and Darryl's holiday. And it makes me really sad because I had a lot planned for him. But he wasn't the person I thought he was. I believed his jokes to be the truth and that made me a jealous and really insecure person. I honestly loved him. I was able to tell a guy I love him and not having any qualms about it. And it just pisses me off to the point where I'm in tears that I can't have him. I used to think I needed him. And that's what it felt like in the beginning. He felt like a drug. And if I didn't get my daily dose of Darryl, I was crazed for the day. I miss him a lot even though I try and convince myself that I'm over him. He never had time for me anymore. Especially since he went to Austria. I was so jealous and out of my mind! And I kept asking myself what did I do wrong and why he never answered my calls, wrote me back or anything.

And I tried to be honest with all my feelings. And I tried to put myself into the friendship, hoping the friendship would become more. Because in my mind, we were already in a relationship. He was the first guy to tell me he liked me...and not only that...but he loved me. He called me Beautiful every time he got. And he was talking about my personality, my soul...not just my looks. And I don't think I can fully get over the fact that he's gone. I keep trying to make him out to be a dog. To be a villain. And sometimes I succeed. And other times I'm left to where I was when he was in Austria..."what did I do wrong? why cant we be together?"

I used to think he was the guy I used to pray for. The one who would compliment me. We'd go together like a peanut butter and jelly . And we did. God we did. And now...we're not. Maybe I was wrong and he wasn't the one for me. But the future is a far off place and I don't know what all it holds. All I know is I'm stuck in now.

And now doesn't seem like a very satisfying place at the moment.

I keep writing and none of it makes sense. So I delete it. I have to go clean up now.

Okay. So I asked Casey who Adel was talking to. And she couldn't tell me because it wasn't her place to tell me. And now I feel like an ass. A big old ass. Hmm. Let's ponder on that last statement. "A big old ass."

Anyway...i think I'm just gonna do the whole hermit thing. That sounds a lot less painful.

I stepped on an earring today and now my foot is really sore.

The party was great. Except for a couple of people. Other than that i had a blast.

JUST GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD FUCKING LOVE MY FAMILY. THEY'RE NOTHING BUT FUCKING ASSHOLES.

1. MY BROTHER CAN'T ADMIT WHEN HE'S FUCKING WRONG AND BEING AN ASSHOLE. I LOVE HOW YOU HIT MANNY'S GARAGE AND SAY YOU DIDN'T DO IT. WHEN WE BOTH SAW YOU. MOTHERFUCKER. DUMBASS. AND THEN WHEN I'M TELLING YOU YOU DID. AND YOU DENYING IT. AND YOU CUSSING ME OUT AND SHIT? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LIE ABOUT YOU TAPPING THE DAMN CAR WITH THE GARAGE? WHAT FUCKING SENSE DID THAT MAKE? AND I LOVE HOW YOU GO RUN OVER THAT FUCKING REFLECTOR POST. MAYBE THAT'S WHY THE LIGHTS ARE STAYING ON YOU FUCKING DUMBASS. OH AND I LOVE HOW YOU FUCKING SPEED WHEN YOU'RE UPSET. LIKE THAT WILL HELP YOU AND WON'T GET US HIT. FUCKING IDIOT.

2. MY MOM'S ALWAYS BITCHING AND TREATING ME LIKE A LITTLE KID. YEAH, I TELL JOKES AND ACT IMMATURE BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T BE DAMN RESPONSIBLE. YOU TELL ME TO LEAVE LO'S CAR ALONE AND NOT TO DRIVE IT. EXCUSE ME YOU DUMB BITCH. SINCE WHEN WAS IT HIS WHEN YOU WERE MAKING ALL THE PAYMENTS? WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE REFUSED TO FUCKING PAY AND YOU HAD TO PAY IT JUST SO YOU COULD GET TO WORK? GOD YOU PUT UP WITH THAT BULLSHIT. WHY? AND HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB WITH NO CAR? THAT'S THE ONLY FUCKING CAR HOME, YOU STUPID ASS BITCH. YOU GET HOME AT 6:00. WHEN IT'S DARK AS FUCKING HELL. YEAH YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GO GET APPLICATIONS THEN? SURELY.

3. MY MOM BLAMES ALL MY BROTHER AND SISTER'S MISTAKES ON ME. IF THEY DON'T CLEAN IT'S MY FAULT.

4. MY SISTER LIKES TO HOG THE PHONE, MISS THE BUS, AND YELL AT ME WHENEVER I WAKE HER UP IN THE MORNING.

5. MY UNCLE STOLE THE FUCKING INSURANCE MONEY FROM MY DAD'S INSURANCE POLICY. NOT PROVEN BUT WE ALL KNOW IT CUZ HE'S RIDING IN A NEW TOP DOWN MERCEDES! FUCKING ASSHOLE. HOW ARE YOU GONNA STEAL FROM YOUR OWN FUCKING BROTHER'S KIDS? AND NOT EVEN WRITE ME BACK AND SAY WE'RE GOING BE A BIG FUCKING FAMILY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIED AND ROT AND BURN FOREVER IN HELL. I'M NEVER FORGIVING YOUR ASS. I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE YOU SICK BITCH!

6. MY OLDER SISTER THAT GOT PAID OFF NOT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY UNCLE AND THE MONEY SAID THAT THE ONLY REASON WE CARE ABOUT THE MONEY IS CUZ I'M GOING TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR. SO WHAT BITCH? THAT'S NOT THE REASON. ARE YOU JUST MAD CUZ I WAS ALWAYS SMARTER THAN YOUR DUMB ASS? THAT I DON'T STAY HIGH? THAT I DON'T GET WITH MEN JUST SO THEY CAN FUCKING USE ME AND BEAT MY ASS? SO I CAN SEND THEM TO JAIL AND GET CHILD SUPPORT. HOW THE HELL YOU GONNA RAISE YOUR KID WHILE YOU'RE FUCKING WORKING AT BURGER KING WITH NO JOB.

SO LADIES AND GENTS....GIVE ME ONE FUCKING REASON. I DARE YOU.

i will get me a job. actually i'm thinking about being a waitress at papa joe's. but i don't know if i can do it. cuz mcdonalds was hell with customers sometimes.

hmm. i don't know.

favorite quote of the week:

"He killed himself in self defense." -Nelson J. Hernandez

i love that boy.

(stolen from manda, because she's special like that. nah only cuz i saw her entry first.)
WOULD YOU:
1) pierce your nose or tongue? nose. maybe tongue
2) be serious or be funny?: funny
3) whole milk or skim milk?: whole. durr


ARE YOU:
4) simple or complicated?: i think i'm complicated but others know i'm simple. well some of them know that.

DO YOU PREFER:
5) flowers or angels?: definitely angels.
6) grey or gray?: gray
7) boys or girls: both! wait...what for? friendship is both? relationships depend on personality...
9) sunrise or sunset? sunset
10) M&Ms or Skittles?: M&Ms. Especially with nuts cuz i love nuts.
11) rap or rock?: rock. i'm a punker at heart.
12) staying up late or waking up early?: late. ooh specially when you talking to someone and you can't help but stay intrigued...
13) TV or radio?: TV is my new Best Friend
14) eating apples or oranges?: apples...oranges are too messy


THE TRUTH:
15) Do you have a crush?: yes
16) Who is it?: none of ya damn business nosey


DO YOU PREFER:
17) being hot or cold?: can we settle for warm?
18) tall or short people?: depends
19) sun or moon?: the sun is too hot! but moons scare me when i'm walking by myself home from stevie's...
20) emeralds or rubies?: ew. emerald remind me of wiz of oz and rubies are too red. can i go with like one diamond?
21) left or right? right
22) having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend?: both?
23) sun or rain?: dancing in the rain! what a wonderful feeling?!
24) vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? chocolate


MISC:
25) What is your biggest fear in the world?: going to hell
26) Kids or no kids?: don't know yet. ask me that when i'm having sex or when i'm pregnant.
27) Cat or dog?: dog!
28) Half empty or half full?: how about still thirsty?
29) Mustard or ketchup?:ketchup is my other best friend
30) Hard Cover books or Soft Cover? you mean paper back?
31) newspaper or magazine?: magazine
32) Sandals or trainers: flip flops?
33) Wonder or amazement? amazement, i wonder all the time
34) Red car or white car?: white cuz it's never on it's period! hahaha. sorry.
35) Happy and poor or sad and rich?: happy and poor...even tho i'm poor now and sometimes not happy! irony baby! irony!
36) Singing or dancing? i dance better than i can sing but that's not saying much...
37) Hugging or kissing? ooooh ooooh hugging is so much fun! oh dude. i need a hug now. with a guy. something.
38) Happy or sad?: i love being happy even when i'm sad
39) Blondes or brunettes?: what does gray go under?


ABOUT YOU:
What time is it?: 10/10/05 9:07 pm
Nicknames: Tikki, Tikara, Tack-a-ra (aw Mcdonalds), Miasha, Bitch
birthdate and birthplace: December 5, 1987. in a land far far away (panama city beach actually.)
eye color? brown
hair color? dark red, maroon if i stand in the sun, gray in some spots, and usually black and brown. i sound odd.


WHAT DO YOU WANT:
Where do you want to live? California but there's a lot of quakes...Maybe I'll migrate back to florida. how sad.
How many kids do you want? ask me after i give birth
Do you want to get married?: hell yeah but i don't know if i ever will

WHICH IS BETTER:
2 doors or 4 (on a car)?: four, it's hard trying to get in adel's camero when i miss the bus. especially with those small seats feelin like they're for babies...
Coffee or ice cream?: ice cream
shampoo or conditioner?: shampoo...it's soapy
Bridges or tunnels?: bridges...but i hate driving over them. it's cool to look down at the water sometimes. feels like a roller coaster.
One pillow or two?: two of those big squishy bean bag pillows taht are $9.99 at belle's outlet. wink wink


FAVORITES:
Salad dressing? ceasar
Color of socks? white
Non-alcoholic drink?: strawberry milkshake. *starts singing kelis*

I AM:
Wearing: green shirt and red skirt cuz it was the first thing that i saw that i knew would cool me off. you know how you get hot and you want shorts or something on really quick? that's how it was.
Current Hair: needs to be flat ironed
Current Favorite shows: Phil of the Future, That's so Raven
Current Book: Currently not reading but Harry Potter and A Time for Andrew
Current Refreshment: none
current time: 9:17


Last Person You:
Hugged: An emo kid that wrote on his arm "i'm emo. give me a hug"
Kissed:almost the emo kid cuz i didn't see the kiss thing on there...who was the last person i kissed for real?!?!
Called: amanda last night
Who Called you: i think amanda or maybe it was kim and ashlee
Thought about: darryl. who else?

I want to live with no regrets. I want to be in control and satisfied with my life. I want to love.
These are some things I'm currently unsatisfied with in the life department.

Social: Don't really hang out with people outside of school. Must improve. workin on it

Work: Need to get a new job. Definitely! going to Vacation Depot tomorrow and show initiative. VACATION DEPOT BABY!

Weight: I'm going to lose 30 pounds by the time Areobics is over, even if it freaking kills me. And my body percent fat is going to be at least 1/3 of what it is now. last week, both weight and b.p.f. went down

Dance: I will learn how to Salsa and Tango and Waltz with ease. Along with the box. britney said i was doing better then we stopped

Computer: I'm gonna buy me a new computer...an xp. That way it won't be lagging so much and I will be able to effin download more things. :) now that i have the new job...i'm gonna see if mike can build me one

Emotional: I will be able to be affectionate and declare feelings. No more damn insecurity! Still workin on this one.

Heart: I will be able to express myself more. Tell people what I really think. Startin on this one.

Party: I want to have a birthday party for my 18th birthday. I changed it from spice girls to Pop Stars of the 80's and 90's. I WILL have this fucking party even if it's in my backyard in winter!

Got the plans a-goin!

Goals: I will have most of my December goals completed. this will have to be in jan or next year..

College: I will PASS the SATs and ACTs with no problem! And I will get into college dammit! took the SATs but don't know how I did. argh..i don't wanna retake it.

Religion: Yeah, I'm thinking about reading the Bible more. ...saw my old pastor on friday night...does that count?


Well....now that I get these things out there in the open...who wants to help me to stick to my goals?

i only need encouragement

I'm ready for the new Takara. What about you guys?

don't matter what you think. lol. ^-^

I'm tired of sayig I don't understand life. Dammit. If I don't understand it, then I will make it understand me.

From now on, I'm either gonna be straight forward and stop beating around the bush or just not say anything. Cuz it's really pissing me off how people never really say what you KNOW they want to say.

And from now on, I'm gonna stop thinking about him. I'm just gonna have to get hobbies and stop playing myself.

GUESS WHO JUST GOT A KNEW JOB! GUESS!

um...

YOU?

no...

ME!

EDIT: Who knew that knew is suppose to be 'new'?

I decided to change my layout to make me feel better. And it worked. So go check it out bitches.

I apologize if that offended you. I should've said ho.

My moods quickly change.

As soon as I thought of him, I got upset.

I hate this. I hate him.

But I love him.

And I hate the situation.

Life is really weird sometimes. And really bad. But I'm doing better now. For the moment. And I'm trying to be positive, but I seriously don't know how long that's gonna last.



P.S. I was watching "Ray" (the movie about Ray Charles) and he reminded me so much of my daddy that I almost cried...

if you don't see me at school tomorrow or the next couple of days...i'm not skippin. i'm not dead. i've just been adducted by aliens.


have a great panther day...

Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Have you ever just looked at your family and realized you hated them so much?
But then turned around and just felt so consumed with guilt.
I love these people but they annoy the hell out of me. My mom keeps calling me to do shit. And right now she's just aggravating the hell out of me.

God this is so fucking sad. The same things I was bitching about last year are the same things now. My uncle is a lazy ass motherfucker and I wish he'd just go kill himself sometimes.

My mom thinks she's all powerful and everyone should respect her. But that's not the f ucking case. I don't wanna hear the bull she spits half the time or how she needs to borrow money. Where is she when I need money? "Oh you have to pay me back cuz I have to put it back in the bank..." but when she asks me for money, do i give her a set time to give it back to me? hell no.

god this family is frustrating me and I feel like i'm gonna die soon. isn't that so depressing? and my sister is so ugh. sometimes i really hate her. but i love her cuz she's apart of me. she has a part of my heart. god she's so fucking lazy and selfish and don't even realize it. but i feel bad cuz of rae and everyone saying she's gay-the same thing people were doing to me last year. god i hate this life.

Right now I just don't get anything and I just feel like a huge ass failure in life. So excuse me while I go cry...

I want to live with no regrets. I want to be in control and satisfied with my life. I want to love.

These are some things I'm currently unsatisfied with in the life department.

Social: Don't really hang out with people outside of school. Must improve.

Work: Need to get a new job. Definitely! going to Vacation Depot tomorrow and show initiative.

Weight: I'm going to lose 30 pounds by the time Areobics is over, even if it freaking kills me. And my body percent fat is going to be at least 1/3 of what it is now.

Dance: I will learn how to Salsa and Tango and Waltz with ease. Along with the box.

Computer: I'm gonna buy me a new computer...an xp. That way it won't be lagging so much and I will be able to effin download more things. :)

Emotional: I will be able to be affectionate and declare feelings. No more damn insecurity!

Heart: I will be able to express myself more. Tell people what I really think.

Party: I want to have a birthday party for my 18th birthday. I changed it from spice girls to Pop Stars of the 80's and 90's. I WILL have this fucking party even if it's in my backyard in winter!

Goals: I will have most of my December goals completed.

College: I will PASS the SATs and ACTs with no problem! And I will get into college dammit!

Religion: Yeah, I'm thinking about reading the Bible more.


Well....now that I get these things out there in the open...who wants to help me to stick to my goals?

I'm ready for the new Takara. What about you guys?

I want to write a really sad but beautiful juc story.

Mrs. Kerben never called me back. So much for earning money.

This song makes me wanna cry. It's like a modern day romeo and juliet song. He lost his love and he's screaming and you get caught up in the music.

God I heart this song. I'm off to do homework now. Or maybe do my hair...